the other day i looked into the mirror, and saw an adult for the first time in my life.

still soft, round, young-looking, but no longer did the face of the teenager follow me as it had all the way through my early twenties.
and it hit me. the change was less physical as much as it has been mental. as many of my generation, i feel i wasted my teenage years on being depressed, and jealous of those who didn't feel the way i did about the world. at 18 i was redoing steps that most people did two years earlier, i only graduated university a month before my 23rd birthday. i've been unemployed since then, over a year ago now, and most of the time has been spent in bed.

i've never had a work ethic. i was born with an academic intelligence that i coasted on for my childhood, all the way until my gcses. it has been almost a decade since then and i'm still coasting, just about staying afloat.

physically - appearance notwithstanding - little has changed from the wintter of 2017, when i dropped out of sixth form for the first time. i still spend a lot of time in bed, i struggle with my parents, my health is questionable, i play a lot of games, my adhd is overwhelming...

but my approach, my beliefs, my stance on life and living has changed. my desire to be loved by everyone and yet my inability to function - both have become less debilitating. i have begun to notice things that influence my life negatively, and have begun to voice these. i have significantly reduced my bouts of self- hatred, as well as my constant need for validation. i feel like, for the first time in my life, i am happy enough with myself without the delusions of grandeur. i can like myself whilst still accepting i have things i need to work on. i know i can do something without giving up - this website being proof of that - if i care enough about it. it is something new, and wonderful.

i am newly 24. i still don't have a job, i still struggle with emotional outbursts and unrealistic dreams, and don't get me started on the lack of motivation i feel.
but i can finally say, for certain, in the mirror i see an adult.