sometimes i hate being me because i'm the only one who feels, cares about the things that i do. of course i know that no feeling is technically unique, we have had over ten thousand years of human history to prove that. everybody feels nostalgia. i'm sure many 20-somethings get nostalgic for the late autumn of 2021 in particular. perhaps they even associate it with starting their first year of university in the midlands of england.

but i know for a fact none of them listen to this playlist, reminiscing about walking down the footpath alongside a main road during a time in their life that wasn't really that great nor memorable. none of them associate being 16 with wearing the grey hoodie of my secondary school, eating cadbury's creme egg ice cream in my kitchen, boasting about their depression on my private instagram.

and as much as they pretend, my friends really do not care about my personal nostalgia. perhaps they care about me, my words, and my feelings about it, but they cannot empathise with reminiscing this version of me that they have never been. they are too busy living their lives, or reminiscing about the people they once were.

nostalgia is great, and wonderful, and a disease. i know, ironic considering i am posting on a website inspired by and mimicking the "old web". i myself am prone to immense nostalgia, to the extent of lives i haven't lived and time periods i wasn't conscious for. there is wonder in inspiration, in taking parts from the past to create the present. but dwelling too much on what has been, stops you from realising the future.

i am no longer 18, and truly growing up has been a harder challenge than i thought it would be. i am by no means old, not by a long shot, but i regret not taking more risks at an age where it didn't matter. for someone approaching my mid-twenties, i've not really experienced a lot of life. sheltered is too dramatic a word - inexperienced feels dull, but accurate. both negative and positive, both hardship and ease, there is a lot that i feel like i should have done or gone through at this age.

but i suppose that is the way of things. the current social and historical era, the country i live in, the development of technology... despite my personal experiences that nobody else could feel, at least in the way i feel them, many people feel younger at an older age. i am sure there are many twenty-somethings, or even thirty-somethings out there that know how i feel. everything ages, everything changes, but your mind doesn't accept that. and that's quite human, no?